trust

"I don't trust you" The words shot out of my mouth before my brain could filter it. That seems to happen a lot. I could not take the words back, it hung in the air between us and there was nothing I could do to make the awkwardness go away. Yeah, he was helping me and I appreciate it, but even as the word came out and even as I regretted saying it out loud, I realized that I really did not trust him.

Trust is such a fragile thing, once someone has it, if they did something to betray it and they shatter that trust it's never really the same again. It's like piecing together broken glass, there are always scars left. Over time those scars may heal but it all depends on both parties involved whether or not the injured party can forgive. It's definitely a bit more complicated than I'm making it out to be but there is more to the story.

A few days ago I uttered those words again, "I don't trust you," again my brain did not filter, but this time it was meant in jest not in truth. Yet, right after the words came out I regretted it, even if I was joking and even if it was not true I should not have said it. Trust has become so precious that it just feels wrong to say it when you don't mean it even if you are just kidding around.

Saying the words, "I don't trust you" made me realize that in this case, I did indeed trust him and I felt as though I made a terrible mistake in even saying the wrong thing out loud. I'm not entirely sure I understand why, but right now, I cannot take it back. Oh to listen more and speak less, but such is life, you live and you learn - and hopefully change.

Gimme a break

Sometimes we just need a break; a break from life. Kind of a like a vacation but not a vacation where you go and do the tourist thing or hang out by the pool. This kind of break is one where you go somewhere that no one can find you, where there is no TV or internet and where you cellphone can be turned off and placed in a drawer. This kind of break has a rocking chair on a balcony looking out onto a lake or out into a forest.

I need this kind of a break right now. I can feel it.

on love

Today was a bit of a breakthrough. I read a quote while prowling around thisisnottom.com. The quote read,

"The heart of every person craves what it cannot have. Not universal love. But to be loved alone."

I read this quote and it the chord it hit in me rang so clearly that I had to stop and pay attention. This is not love, love is not selfish, yet sometimes this is what we expect love to be. We want to be the center of the person's love. We want to be the object of their affection and the only thing they can love.

Love comes in different forms, different sizes and has different looks at times, but love cannot only be showered on one thing, then it becomes sick, a disease just waiting to choke the life out of you. You cannot just love one person or one thing.

But then how do we love and love the persons/things in our lives in the way that we should so that it is balanced? Again I am pointed to 1 Corinthians 13

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Well, there you have it. To truly love, to really say that you love others, you have to be all of these things, and when love is shown in this unselfish state, then we will finally understand just how much God loves us.

Snail Mail

I'm a part of an online community called bookmooch.com. This community works as a book exchange. In the very beginning I mailed out about 50 books to places all around the US and the world and so have been reaping the benefits of having books that I would like to read being mailed to me.

It's great to receive snail mail when it's not spam or bills. There is excitement in seeing a package come and knowing that when you open it there is a book or something you ordered waiting for you. There is even more excitement when you receive a letter addressed to you and you were not expecting it.

When I first moved to the US I would write letters to my friends in Guyana. We would correspond that way until I got hooked on email and slowly stopped writing. I'm not very good with keeping in contact with people. It's not that I don't want to keep in contact with people, it's just that I never found (or some say made) the time to sit and write letters. Now, years later I look back and wonder about how those people are doing. Some have emails, some are on Facebook and other social networks, but there is something about looking at those old letters that really make me nostalgic.

Email has the advantage of being instant. In an instance you know you've sent a mail. In an instance you know the person has received it. In an instance they can chose to respond, or chose to ignore and life goes on. With snail mail you have to buy stamps, take time to write something out and post it. You have to wait a few days - or weeks - for the person to receive it. You hope that they received it and will respond and the process that would take you a day or less via email turns into a weeks and months via snail mail. Yet, knowing that a person sat down, wrote, purchased postage and mailed the letter kind of makes me feel special, as though they have taken the time out from their life for me.

When I go on vacation to a foreign country, one of the things I like to do is get some postcards and write notes to my friends at home. It's always a bit of an adventure finding a post office in a foreign land and figuring out the postal system, especially when you do not speak the language! The friends that receive the postcards usually respond positively to them, and so it has become a tradition with me.

I think I'm going to start another tradition, I think I'm going to send things snail mail again. To write letters and cards to my friends - just because - and send it through the post. We'll see how long that happens.

Hello World ...

The first thing we did in the class was

cout << "Hello World!";

A new beginning, trying it out, testing the waters, seeing whether or not we got it right.

In a way this is the same, so welcome to a new beginning. I'm testing it out and seeing where it will lead.