trust

"I don't trust you" The words shot out of my mouth before my brain could filter it. That seems to happen a lot. I could not take the words back, it hung in the air between us and there was nothing I could do to make the awkwardness go away. Yeah, he was helping me and I appreciate it, but even as the word came out and even as I regretted saying it out loud, I realized that I really did not trust him.

Trust is such a fragile thing, once someone has it, if they did something to betray it and they shatter that trust it's never really the same again. It's like piecing together broken glass, there are always scars left. Over time those scars may heal but it all depends on both parties involved whether or not the injured party can forgive. It's definitely a bit more complicated than I'm making it out to be but there is more to the story.

A few days ago I uttered those words again, "I don't trust you," again my brain did not filter, but this time it was meant in jest not in truth. Yet, right after the words came out I regretted it, even if I was joking and even if it was not true I should not have said it. Trust has become so precious that it just feels wrong to say it when you don't mean it even if you are just kidding around.

Saying the words, "I don't trust you" made me realize that in this case, I did indeed trust him and I felt as though I made a terrible mistake in even saying the wrong thing out loud. I'm not entirely sure I understand why, but right now, I cannot take it back. Oh to listen more and speak less, but such is life, you live and you learn - and hopefully change.